"Coming Out"

Coming out to America?

Have any of you been watching "Sister Wives" on TLC? In case you've missed it, it's a reality/documentary t.v. show that lets you glimpse into the lives of a polygamist family. There's a husband, Kody, and his three four wives (Meri, Christine, Janelle, and Robyn). In last week's episode ('Browns Out of Hiding') the cameras followed the family as they made their first appearance on national television ("The Today Show") as a polygamist family.

What I found humorous about the episode was the constant reference to "coming out". I immediately thought about how that term is almost exclusively used for gay people, and how bizarre it sounds when it is used in any other context.

But what makes the use of the term "coming out" in reference to a polygamist family so jarring? I think the largest issue is the relationship between gays coming out and religion. Typical understanding of this situation would suggest that once you come out your place in your religion is threatened (and more often than not this is true, especially considering certain denominations condemnation of the "gay lifestyle"). However, the Browns use religion to justify their standing as polygamists (as Kody Brown essentially says, "I made the decision of this lifestyle because of faith").

The sister wives* discuss the pros and cons of coming out (in the polygamist sense, not the gay sense...see how confusing this is?) throughout the episode. They frame it in many different ways. They talk about how they don't want to be ashamed of 'who they are' anymore, that they want to come out of hiding, that they believe that America has civil rights for a reason, and that they want those rights to be applicable to them. All of these statements could just as easily be said by someone who is gay and deciding to come out to their friends and family.

However, the sister wives are not gay (that we know of) nor are they necessarily accepting of the gay lifestyle. Just because they want their own freedom and safety to 'be themselves' does not mean that they recognize this right in everyone else. Sure, the "Today Show" did touch upon the relationship between their situation and that of gay people (Viera opened the segment by stating that America is full of different family configurations--"What defines a family has certainly changed throughout the years. These days family includes single parents, step-parents, even two dads or two moms"). Okay, so the "Today Show" loosely made the comparison, but why are news outlets jumping on the idea that Kody Brown and his wives are pro-gay marriage?




Their statements can certainly be construed to mean that:

"I really believe that something that works for somebody should work for somebody and it's nobody else's buisness."-Ellen Degeneres
"So do we."-The Brown Family

"I actually believe the state should never be involved in marriage. That is a religious choice, or it is a personal choice. It should not be something that the state is dictating."-Kody Brown (said in 'In Touch' magazine).**


I'm really not sure how I feel about this. In many ways I couldn't care less. If Kody Brown and his wives are okay being in a polygamist relationship then let them be in a polygamist relationship. Legally he is only married to the first wife, so really it is just a lifestyle choice to introduce three other women into the relationship. It's not bigamy since he is not claiming to be legally married to his second, third, or fourth wife. He is "married in faith" by their church. But that's not breaking any laws. If they ever argue that polygamist marriage should be legal I'm sure I'd be forced to take a real standpoint on the issue, but right now I'm okay with what they're doing. It's their life.

I do care slightly because I do believe that the polygamist faith can be built in such a way that it is demeaning to women, and although they could "just leave it" in many ways they can't. They don't have the resources, they aren't educated enough, etc. The fact that the Brown's dress in modern day clothes (unlike these polygamists) and are allowing their children to go to public school makes me feel better. But I'm not sure if any of those feelings are justified, or if I can really even hold such a oxymoronic opinion.

I also care slightly because I think it undermines gay marriage. Many Americans are definitely bewildered by polygamy, and I think a large majority would outwardly condemn it. Sure, we are willing to open our homes to it for an hour on Sunday nights, but it's highly unlikely we're willing to offer it legal protection. Aligning gay marriage with polygamy is problematic for this reason. Do we really want gay marriage to be lumped in with something that is (potentially) even more controversial. We've been arguing for so long that gay marriage should be legal because gay couples are in many ways just like straight couples. Everything in gay marriage (the depth of the relationship and the way that it functions) is similar to its heteronormative counterpart. The only difference is that in gay marriage there are two men or two women. Isn't it slightly problematic to link this argument with one that says that the number of wives/husbands can be endless? What I do know is that legal support of gay marriage is happening, but legal support for polygamy? I think that's a long way off.



*opps, if you don't watch this show/"Big Love" you may not know that all the wives married to the same husband are called 'sister wives'.
**I should point out that even if the Browns do support gay marriage, their church as a whole does not.

Here's another article that sort of agrees with me.