New Girl Play by Play: Fancyman

Minute zero: Jess compares buying a phone to buying a car and/or buying a bra. Apparently she has had hers for 8 years.

Also, Nick has a 250 credit score. Which is ridiculously low. As Jess points out, "you get 150 for being alive".

Minute one: Winston's girlfriend is a little too enamored by Schmidt's pub knowledge.

Jess just curtsied for a student's father. Awkward! (Also, oh look, he's played by Dermot Mulroney!)

Minute two: Jess to a student's father: "Condoms are harder to take off than I thought. I've always put them on, but I guess someone else has always taken them off". Awkward!

Minute three: Jess is annoyed that the student's dad told her that his daughter can't do creative time. Apparently he is also a little weirded out by the fact that she wears dollheads around her neck (which, let's admit, is a tad bizarre).

Minute four: Tanya, the principal who ate a pot cookie in that one birthday episode, says that since Dermot is a big donor, Jess has to do what he says. Jess is less than pleased.

Minute seven: Winston is upset that Schmidt made him look stupid during trivia night. Also, Schmidt just called Winston the "dumber one".

Minute eight: Winston has decided that memorizing stats doesn't make someone smart.

Minute eight:
I hate groveling, I would have lasted two minutes in the court of the Sun King, I think about that all the time-Jess
You do?-Nick


Jess is worried that she won't be able to grovel enough for Dermot. And she thinks that she has to do some manipulative groveling, because she doesn't really want to apologize.

Minute nine: Winston thinks that a simple apology is enough.

Hey Mr. Fancyman, you can't tell me what to do. Your money doesn't own me.-Nick, suggesting what Jess should say to Dermot

Minute ten: Wait. Winston is actually working as a part-time nanny for that little kid from the Christmas party? Since when?

Minute eleven: Jess' car stalls right near Dermot's office. He calls to get a tow truck, and lets Jess borrow his car. He also invites her to a party at his house. Is it a date?

I wasn't raised with money, so when something broke we pretended it still worked-Jess


Minute sixteen: Oh look, it's Cece!

Rich people, they're always giving you their cars!-Jess, complaining about Dermot to Cece

You know me, I'm only attracted to guys...who think someone famous stole their idea-Jess


Minute seventeen: Winston is having nanny-kid quiz him with flashcards with random information.

Minute eighteen: Nick goes to the party with Jess, and she asks him to complain about all the rich people things in the house.

Minute nineteen: Nick is impressed by the fancy desk, and suddenly okay with rich people things.

Nick, when I put my hand on this desk I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life-Nick


Okay, this is how evil geniuses are born-Jess


Minute twenty: Dermot points out to Jess that changing her car's oil may not be a bad idea. And no, that's not a double entendre.

Jess, I'm 42. I've made a lot of moeny, and I enjoy spending it-Dermot (Yeah, okay, I just learned that his name is Russell, but whatever).

Minute twenty-one: Russell says he had a poor credit score at Nick's age, but that he then got a gift. Russell gives Nick a phone.

Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object?-Nick


Nick asks Russell why he's being nice to him, and learns it's because he's Jess' friend. So Russell/Dermot really does like Jess.

Minute twenty-two: the fancy Japanese toilet has a bidet built in, and Jess accidentally turns it on, and gets sprayed all over with water. Russell rushes in and has to help. He also tells her he would never revoke his donation to the school, but Jess runs off...I assume she is embarrassed? Not too sure, it went to a commercial break right as she was leaving.

Minute twenty-six: Jess drags Nick away and wants to leave because she doesn't feel like she fits in. Nick tells Jess that he is in love with Russell (He smells like strong coffee, and seeing a man about a horse-Nick).

Minute twenty-seven: Nick persuades Jess to go back inside.

Minute twenty-eight: Shelby doesn't want some rich guy who owns his own car, she wants Winston. Looks like Winston has a girlfriend!

Winston, I hope you're better in bed, because your street work is embarrassing-Schmidt


Minute twenty-nine: Jess admits that she isn't used to people having it all together, and that she is kind of scared by Russell.

Minute thirty: Russell asks Jess out, and she says yes. As she is walking away, she falls into the koi pond.

'New Girl' Play by Play: "Injured" Recap

Minute one: Jess hurts Nick by tackling him while playing football. Apparently, he doesn't have insurance. Oh, and after that, we learn that Winston has a really beat-up car (B story-line!).

Minute two:
Jess takes Nick to be examined by Sadie, because he doesn't have insurance.
Is Sadie a gynecologist?-Nick
No, she's an OBGYN. Different thing.-Jess

Minute four:
Jess tackled a girl I was dating once.-Sadie
Oh yes, she tried to steal my overalls.-Jess

Minute five: Nick has a growth in his throat. Sadie says that he needs to have it checked out, and tells Jess to force him to go. (I'm vaguely confused by this, since my first thought is that it's an enlarged lymph node...but, I'll accept it, because clearly this is necessary for plot development).

Minute six: Jess apparently doesn't know how a fetus fits into the uterus. This is funnier than it sounds.

Minute eight: Nick clearly doesn't like doctors. At all. Also, Winston loves his really trashy car way too much.

Minute nine: Jess has told the boys about Nick's neck growth. Clearly they're all worried he'll die...but they're not too serious about it. They all stare at him seriously as he bar-tends.

Minute ten:
I wish I could trade places with you, I would do it in a second. I'm also really glad I can't.-Schmidt

Minute twelve: Nick gets high on pain pills, and tells Jess she can't speak at his funeral because she isn't "real". Clearly she's upset about this.

Minute fourteen: Schmidt and Cece are rapping.

Minute fifteen: Annoyed Jess disses Nick, and tells him he has never done anything.

Minute sixteen: Jess takes Nick to the ocean so that he can run into it fully dressed. Apparently this is something unusual for him, which is why it matters (or something). Funniest moment comes when drunk Schmidt yells about Nick showing the ocean his penis before he shows him. Schmidt is not okay with this.

Minute twenty-one: Nick yells at Jess because he's upset and worried that he might not actually be okay.

"I don't think this is the right time to bring this up guys, but does anyone else think that Nick could stand to lose five to seven pounds."-Schmidt

Minute twenty-two: Cece is really opening up to Schmidt. She just talked about her dad dying when she was twelve. Shortly afterward, Schmidt makes her laugh...maybe they are a good couple.

Minute twenty-three: Nick tells Jess that he likes her a lot, and that he's glad she's around. He also points out that he probably won't remember since he'll black out.

Minute twenty-four: They all sleep on the beach. Nick wakes up first, and yells at everyone to get up so that they can go to his appointment.

Minute twenty-seven:  At his appointment, Nick finds out he doesn't have cancer. He also finds out that his friends paid for the cost of the appointment, because he doesn't have health insurance. Aww.

Minute twenty-nine: Nick and Jess have a moment alone, and he asks her what happened. She smiles, and tells him nothing. It was enough of a moment that I wondered if maybe something had happened between the characters off-screen. Damn, there's chemistry there that the writers are going to have to take advantage of at some point.

Also, this is happening.

New Girl: Bully. Play By Play.

Minute one: Did Schmidt just have sex with Cece and call her a canoe? Oh good, I heard right: apparently she's the canoe on his "body river". Good to know.

Minute one: Is Schmidt still taking? And did they really have sex at least three times? Yes and yes.

Minute two: "Oh my God, you slept with the same girl two nights in a row? ...did she wear a disguise?"-Jess, re: Schmidt's repeat sleepover guest (Cece!).

Minute two: Is anyone else supremely grossed out by the fact that Jess just unwittingly referred to her best friend as a "ho"?

Minute two: Schmidt doesn't parade his girls around?!

Minute two: So Schmidt does parade his girls around like trophies. That makes way more sense.

Minute two: Hitler comments are always awkward. And never funny. Even in this context. Sorry, 'New Girl' writers.

Minute three: Jess is not a good liar.

Minute three: Those horizontal stripes are not attractive. They wouldn't look good on anyone.

Minute four: "Did the cactus tell you that?"-Winston, re: Julia breaking up with Nick by mailing him a cactus

Minute five: Junk mail, get it?

Minute five: Does anyone else think that Cece is faking Schmidt out, and doesn't really want to sleep with him again?

Minute six: WTF, who allows children to use cell phones in a classroom? To videotape? Or do anything?

Minute seven: Huh. Maybe Cece is serious. She is very confusing.

Minute seven: "I'm like a sexual snowflake."-Schmidt, re: not having sex in a car.

Minute eight: I don't buy for a second that Jess would be that excited about a crescent moon. Winston, maybe.

Minute nine: This is awkward. Also, I don't understand why Julia sent Nick a cactus to begin with.

Minute ten: Schmidt is now using cheese references as foreplay. And it's working. Huh, I guess he and Cece are the perfect couple.

Minute eleven: The little girl Briana has the same haircut as Paige from 'Brothers and Sisters', and it's distracting me. I know they're not the same person. At least, I think they're not. (Googled: definitely not).

Minute twelve: "Are you barren, Ms. Day? And why is your voice so deep, like a man's? Your happiness seems like a mask."-Briana, re: Jess' problems.

Minute twelve: I really don't think that Nick should bring up babies right after he accidentally left a voicemail telling his girlfriend that he loved her. Haven't they been dating for like, two weeks?

Minute thirteen: Oh look. They broke up.

Minute thirteen: Jess accidentally broke Briana's robot arm, and now she is fixing it. Maybe.

Minute fourteen: Nick just said "sad face". In a sentence. Man has more problems than just a break-up.

Minute fifteen: Cece won't let Schmidt into a party with tons of people, but she'll eat breakfast with him? Seems suspect.

Minute eighteen: Jess admits to breaking the robot arm, but the principal doesn't care because now Jess is one of them: "a kid hater". Segue, Rachael Harris who plays the principal is in that new movie "Natural Selection", which looks kind of good. She also has dark-rimmed glasses in that. Does she always wear them? (Googled: looks like she wears them a lot).

Minute nineteen: Cece makes Schmidt take her to a random dim sum place for breakfast. I know she wanted to keep hiding it!

Minute twenty: Cece does let Schmid tell the restaurant. He goes a little overboard with that attempted wall flip.

Minute twenty-one: Jess gives Nick a real plant. Is this a symbol of things to come? You just both admitted you're weirdos. Hook up now please.

Minute twenty-one: I love that Jess wrote multiple comments on her own video. I also love Nick's facial expression when he hears the comment "I'd like to grade her a curve", because I think he kind of agrees. Come on, people, why else would he care so much and Jess dropping a hundred condoms in front of Schmidt's room last week?!

Jess admires her own comments

New Girl Play By Play: "Valentine's Day" Recap

'New Girl' Play By Play: "Valentine's Day"


Minute one: Schmidt has already said "holla".

Minute two:  First dates on Valentine's Day are a bad idea. Even Schmidt knows this. Get a clue, Winston.

Minute two: Is one night sex the new one night stand?

Minute three: Did Jess just refer to her vagina as "little Jess"? Huh.

Minute five: "Bombing emotionally" is not good one night stand material.

Minute six: Schmidt and Cece make a great team. They both like the Phantom Tollbooth! Clearly they're soulmates.

Minute eight: Cece's boyfriend is high on magic mushrooms. Time to break up?

Minute eleven: Schmidt doesn't trust the youths in Jess' potential one night stand's sketchy neighborhood. He kinda has a point.

Minute eleven: Does anyone else think Schmidt has been suspiciously insightful this episode?

Minute sixteen: Everyone is fighting. Everyone. (Except not Julia and Nick, cause they have some weird/not so important B-story going on)

Minute nineteen: Schmidt just carried Cece out of the fight over his shoulder.

Minute twenty-two: Making out while someone is eating tacos is pretty tricky.

Minute twenty-three: That random hook-up guy isn't a web creator, and Jess isn't a player. Boy, what a surprise.

Minute twenty-three: Is Nick going to work for Julia's law firm now? Because that is not a good idea. Ever.

Minute twenty-four: Does anyone else think that Jess and Julia are looking more and more like each other with each new episode? Boy has a type.

Minute twenty-five: Now this is getting depressing (re: Winston and potential girlfriend).

Minute twenty-five: Depression resolved (re: Winston and potential girlfriend).

Minute twenty-six: Sometimes I actually want Schmidt and Jess to get together. Weird.

Minute twenty-six: And now she is actually thinking about having sex with him. Is this actually going to happen?

Minute twenty-seven: Oh wait, here's Nick. Ugh, I actually kind of wanted that to happen. Now I feel guilty saying that.

Minute twenty-seven: Oh good, Cece is having sex with Schmidt. The fact that Jess and Cece have similar taste in men is vaguely disturbing. I mean, they both wanted to sleep with him cause he smells good?!

Minute thirty: Jess calls Cece on the phone. She's telling Cece that she almost slept with Schmidt. But Cece is in bed with him. Awkward.

Apparently at some point Jess is going to make out with this guy.

'New Girl' Play By Play: "The Landlord" Recap

'New Girl' Play By Play: "The Landlord"

Minute one: Jess and Nick seem to spend a lot of time driving around in cars. By themselves. This episode is no exception.

Minute two: Schmidt believes that the world is trying to seduce him. What else is new?

Minute three: Nick's 'pouch' is mentioned again. Which is weird, because Jake Johnson is sexy.

Minute four: Does this scene in the basement remind anyone else of when Emily Deschanel went to see her creepy janitor friend in the 'Bones' high school reunion episode?

Minute five: Jess references four roommates when only three are allowed. Does this remind anyone else of the 'Friends' episode where Jennifer Aniston let it slip to her landlord that she was living with Courtney Cox?

Minute sixteen: Remy (landlord guy) and Jess decide they are going to have dinner together. Nick interjects that he'll come too. Clearly someone's not happy sharing his future gf.

Minute twenty-three: Three-some, anyone? (See, even Remy thinks that Jess and Nick are doing it)

Minute twenty-six: "So this is happening, with...this guy. This is happening, Jess". Three-some time!

Minute twenty-seven: "US two...getting it started". Jess feels awkward about kissing Nick. So, that doesn't happen.

Minute twenty-nine: Schmidt is kind of, sort of right about the whole boss/crush thing. Except not really.

Read a more thorough description of tonight's episode HERE.

Eh, not so sexy in this photo.