New Girl: Bully. Play By Play.

Minute one: Did Schmidt just have sex with Cece and call her a canoe? Oh good, I heard right: apparently she's the canoe on his "body river". Good to know.

Minute one: Is Schmidt still taking? And did they really have sex at least three times? Yes and yes.

Minute two: "Oh my God, you slept with the same girl two nights in a row? ...did she wear a disguise?"-Jess, re: Schmidt's repeat sleepover guest (Cece!).

Minute two: Is anyone else supremely grossed out by the fact that Jess just unwittingly referred to her best friend as a "ho"?

Minute two: Schmidt doesn't parade his girls around?!

Minute two: So Schmidt does parade his girls around like trophies. That makes way more sense.

Minute two: Hitler comments are always awkward. And never funny. Even in this context. Sorry, 'New Girl' writers.

Minute three: Jess is not a good liar.

Minute three: Those horizontal stripes are not attractive. They wouldn't look good on anyone.

Minute four: "Did the cactus tell you that?"-Winston, re: Julia breaking up with Nick by mailing him a cactus

Minute five: Junk mail, get it?

Minute five: Does anyone else think that Cece is faking Schmidt out, and doesn't really want to sleep with him again?

Minute six: WTF, who allows children to use cell phones in a classroom? To videotape? Or do anything?

Minute seven: Huh. Maybe Cece is serious. She is very confusing.

Minute seven: "I'm like a sexual snowflake."-Schmidt, re: not having sex in a car.

Minute eight: I don't buy for a second that Jess would be that excited about a crescent moon. Winston, maybe.

Minute nine: This is awkward. Also, I don't understand why Julia sent Nick a cactus to begin with.

Minute ten: Schmidt is now using cheese references as foreplay. And it's working. Huh, I guess he and Cece are the perfect couple.

Minute eleven: The little girl Briana has the same haircut as Paige from 'Brothers and Sisters', and it's distracting me. I know they're not the same person. At least, I think they're not. (Googled: definitely not).

Minute twelve: "Are you barren, Ms. Day? And why is your voice so deep, like a man's? Your happiness seems like a mask."-Briana, re: Jess' problems.

Minute twelve: I really don't think that Nick should bring up babies right after he accidentally left a voicemail telling his girlfriend that he loved her. Haven't they been dating for like, two weeks?

Minute thirteen: Oh look. They broke up.

Minute thirteen: Jess accidentally broke Briana's robot arm, and now she is fixing it. Maybe.

Minute fourteen: Nick just said "sad face". In a sentence. Man has more problems than just a break-up.

Minute fifteen: Cece won't let Schmidt into a party with tons of people, but she'll eat breakfast with him? Seems suspect.

Minute eighteen: Jess admits to breaking the robot arm, but the principal doesn't care because now Jess is one of them: "a kid hater". Segue, Rachael Harris who plays the principal is in that new movie "Natural Selection", which looks kind of good. She also has dark-rimmed glasses in that. Does she always wear them? (Googled: looks like she wears them a lot).

Minute nineteen: Cece makes Schmidt take her to a random dim sum place for breakfast. I know she wanted to keep hiding it!

Minute twenty: Cece does let Schmid tell the restaurant. He goes a little overboard with that attempted wall flip.

Minute twenty-one: Jess gives Nick a real plant. Is this a symbol of things to come? You just both admitted you're weirdos. Hook up now please.

Minute twenty-one: I love that Jess wrote multiple comments on her own video. I also love Nick's facial expression when he hears the comment "I'd like to grade her a curve", because I think he kind of agrees. Come on, people, why else would he care so much and Jess dropping a hundred condoms in front of Schmidt's room last week?!

Jess admires her own comments